Undercurrents of Familiarity

He's a pretty face with unusual eyes.
His smile is like a child's and like a child he shares it.
There's not much I know about him,
but there's an undercurrent of familiarity cloaked with formality.
Almost like I know, but don't know,
and want to know why I don't know what I know,
and what to know what's beyond.
Its a curiosity about that mind, not the desire for it.
And though he makes me wish I could write, its really not a crush,
Just a real funny feeling, with a slightly poetic touch.

'Broken Pieces of Moscow'

She left today. Its well past my bedtime and I'm lying on her mattress with the lights still on. I've had to spend nights in this room without her but never have they been any good and I know tonight's not gonna be any different. And so, I write, waiting till my eyes give in to tears.  I'd always known the price of freedom would be high, I thought I was prepared for it but it still chokes me up. She didn't cry when she hugged me before getting in the car, neither did I. We made fun of it. Because we knew if we started, it wouldn't stop, that sinking feeling of goodbyes. In a way, I'm glad she left before me, I'd rather have her looking forward than back. For me, here without her, its all about looking back. My best friend. the one who has seen every side to me and viceversa. The girl who would rather read my face than look down to see if her toe is bleeding. My baby, she makes me proud. From the cranky teenager to the fiery woman. She's not perfect but dang we get along so perfectly. Six years is a long time, technically, but not long enough. There's just some people time can't replace.  

You know you love a person when you don't mind being in shit just so you can be together. No matter how much I plan for the future, we will still not get to live together. I want to be able to live with her all the time, atleast in the same city, or the same country. There's so much that can happen in the future, so much that has happened in the past but the present just feels very empty. I'm mad at her for leaving so soon. and so jealous of everyone who gets to have her around. 

After she left, I was clearing out the stuff she left behind and I just couldn't throw some of it away. Hell, I'm taking some if it with me even if it means having to leave some of my stuff here. There's an insect buzzing around near the light, confused piece of s***. I can't ask her to 'take care of it'. I can't poke with my toe and annoy her while shes trying to sleep. I can't have a random conversation in the dark, that's probably why I need the lights tonight. This is the first, its supposed to get better. When a seemingly emotionless person puts his arm around my shoulder and says 'its OK, you can Skype with her everyday', all i feel like is a child being torn apart in the most tragically beautiful way. Not many understand goodbyes like these because not many experience friendship so strong. I can't even listen to songs about friendship without tearing up from the missing.

I have so much to look forward to but all that starts a while away. Almost like fate wants me to remember and cherish all the little things that brought us close. No matter what happens, noone can take away what we shared, the innocence of friendship, the bonds of sisterhood. Still, she's gone for now and I miss her more than I have ever missed anybody. So much that it hurts enough to bring the words out. There's gonna be so many times my heart will cry and cry for her and if I'm lucky, she'll be there somehow. 

I'm gonna miss you every minute till I see you again so please make sure I see you soon. Its gonna be very hard to deal with drama without you around and if anybody hurts you, I'm gonna fly 10 hours just to come rip them apart. And then we can go have Pho. And then your mum can make Nem. I love you very much and I know you love me too. So wipe your nose and call me, Rudolf.

Parenting 101

Its tough being a parent.

You see your kid doing things you did when you were young and stupid. Now you clearly remember how much fun it was when you would be out all nights over the weekends drinking with your friends. It isn't hard to understand why your kid does it. It's part of growing up, right of passage these days. But what they won't understand and what you know very very well, is that sometimes the fun and games can get you into a lot of trouble. Not the laugh-about-it-later kinda trouble, I mean serious damage. Your kid won't understand till he/she goes through it himself/herself.

Now this, is the first and probably the hardest parenting lesson - giving them advice and freedom, and then having to sit patiently and let them do it their way, to resist the urge to stop them when they're going the wrong way, to just be there while they pick themselves up without trying to fix everything yourself.

When they flabbergast you with their immaturity sometimes and you have to swallow the urge to yell, scream and punch them back to their senses, maaaan that's tough! You have to try hard, really really hard, to move past that and ask them to explain (nicely) 'what, why, when and how' instead of rattling them and going 'What the f**k (excuse my language here) were you thinking?!' 

When their morality seems to wander, and they are blinded by something, all you can do is pray they'll get back on the right track before its too late. There's no forcing it, force just makes it worse. 'cause like my uncle once told me, 'Parents need to understand that their kids are gonna do what they wanna do either way, so they might as well be worried and angry than be in the dark about things.' Dark is always worse.

It's easy to say 'I told you so' when they learn you were right and that they should've listened to you from the beginning but its important not to. You're supposed to go all 'It's okay, shit happens, people make mistakes but the good part is you always have someone who's there for you and that person is me.' 

In short, the toughest part of parenthood is holding on to them via faith while letting go in the name of freedom and having a younger sibling prepares you for parenthood way better than anything else ever can.

Ma, I love you :*

Kalmyk Hearts, Kalmyk Bread and The Kalmyk Sky

I love things that glow in the dark.. be it candles, lanterns, fireflies, stars, the moon.. etc, etc. Needless to emphasize, I've always loved the night-sky over my small-town home. When I was little, I loved the moon but somewhere while growing up, I grew fonder of the stars. When I moved to the city, I missed the stars. They were a part of home and my connection to it was clouded a thick, smokey orange. I always thought the sky over home was the clearest I'd ever get to see without a telescope. But oh I can't even begin to explain how wrong I was gonna be proven to be!

When - May 2010

Where - Republic of Kalmykia (south-western Russia)

Of Elista (the capital) and its small buddhist-town charm...

From the very first impression you can tell they are a very calm people, super intelligent too. History shows they're a strong people, physically and emotionally. They welcome you with a warm, open heart and serve you crispy-crusted, soft Kalmyk bread with chai. And then you play chess in the middle of the town square with the board painted on the ground and the pieces reaching upto the knee.

Moving two hours further into the steppes, you do feel a little forlorn. All you see is a sheep farm here and there and the endless nothingness. Till you reach a little village. You'll find people riding bareback horses, helping the dogs shepherd in the huge number of sheep. You'll find a ten-year old running out into the dust-road to welcome his sister home. You'll also find a man who walks a kilometer twice a day, with his dog, to the little natural-gas station. He'll turn some switches and tabs. You look at the pipes and it'll awe you to imagine it going all the 22hr bus ride to Moscow. And then the sun sets. Twilight lingers a while and that's when things come alive. 

Most of us are familiar with 'Star light, star bright, the first star i see tonight...'. It had always been easy to find that first star, but not under Kalmykia. You'll lay under the open sky, ready with your wish, aiming it at the first star in the sky. You think u see the first, but people around you have seen others, at the very same time, at other points in the sky. If you point up at yours, they'll tell you its rude to point at the sky. Only the call for dinner can make u get up and after that, you'll go back to staring at that mesmerizing sky. No clouds, no moon, just stars, with slits of sky between them - a skyless steppe starry night. If those stars were people, it wud be impossible for them to breathe. Those stars, they shine, they sparkle, they dance and they'll make your heart dance too. You don't need a telescope to imagine the vastness of the universe. That Kalmyk Sky is a map, a treasure of atleast a hundred stars for each living person.

They sang Kalmyk folk songs later that night. They were about war and love. It'll stick in your soul like a beautiful, simple dream. I was there for ten days but that just wasn't enough and I was back in July for more. They may not be much of a commercial success, but I still day-dream about that rich Kalmyk sky that doesn't need no moon to shine.

For Nadya, her mom, Dyadya Vova and Danir - for the beautiful experience and for their (and all other) hearts that pump Kalmyk blood.

I Can, I Could

I can hurt, I could choose to be angry.

I can feel guilty, I could choose to make an excuse.

I can hope, I could choose to give up.

I can shrug and walk on with my head held high, I could choose to fall apart.

I can tell myself I’m doing the right thing, I could tell myself I’m just taking the easy way out.

I can stay lost, I could try figuring out that map.

I can put up my defenses, I could pretend there’s nothing left to defend.

I could talk, I could cry, I could just smile and shake my head.

I can be strong and true, I could just lie.

Of all the things I could choose from, I choose this - to detach from it all - because in the end, either is both and those choices are never just mine, they’re tangled up in yours.

I will still believe. I will still trust my heart. I will still hope for the best. Afterall, we’re not bad people and neither is the world.

Blueberry Cheesecake

Wind your way into my heart, circling every bit with gentle care,
Hold it in loving embrace, guard and protect with your life.
Wander in my memories, unraveling secrets of my past,
And we'll share a Pensieve to help us when we're senile.

Trace the outline of my life, understanding you were an undertone,
Till you reach the point of our smiling unpredictability.
Till Superman swept Wonderwoman off her feet and into the sky!
Trace it, knowing it leads to today, with you here beside me.

We stand side by side, staring at our ocean of contradictions,
Knowing that for once, it worked just one way,
When we care, we care. When we trust, faithfully and loyally. 
Pieces of childhood and innocence held together,
Kept alive by that thing they call Love!

When Home came Walking Home

Bloody eyes and heavy breaths,

No last kiss goodbye.

That stiff body that broke my heart,

Secrets burried with you in time.

Best friends live on in the soul..

But old habits die hard.

Beat, Pulse! Heal! Live, die and live again!

Sneak in, knock me over, yell ''I'm home!"

Softly I'd get to whisper, "Finally, so am I..." 

<3

Loco

I feel let down, angry, frustrated, lost.
Angry because I was let down.
Frustrated with my anger.
Lost within my frustration.
Let down by life.

Directionless.
I feel far from the truth,
Far from purpose.
We’re puppets of our destiny,
Slaves to our choices.
We’re circus people
Performing for each other.

The body follows the mind
In silent objection.
Like the conversation during a race,
It’s always the mind screaming.
That rush of adrenaline is good.
This one, not so much.

Now, when life hands you your apples.
Nothing to fight for,
Nothing to bleed for,
Are things meant to be worked on?
Or meant to fall together perfectly?
Another apple handed to you?
Poisoned apples.

I want direction.
I want purpose.
I want something to fight for.
I want to bleed.
Don’t hand me apples,
Hand me truth.

Selfish Little World

Dedicated to the secret Keeper of my selfish little world who died too young.


I'm selfish. I wanted her to stay,
She's selfish. She left me alone.
No matter how you plead sometimes -
'Please, don't go! Don't leave me here!',
They gonna leave saying, "Sorry, goodbye..."

I'm selfish. I wanted her to die,
She's selfish. She wanted to live.
No matter how you plead sometimes -
'Just go! Don't put yourself through this for me',
They gonna stay to make you cry and smile at the same time.

Oh! Selfish Love, the power to smile,
Why art thou so strong?
Oh! Generous Love, the reason to cry,
I miss you so bad!
Oh! Selfish Love, the last drop of water,
Why were thou so selfless?!

A let-out and maybe something more.

How many of us have gotten cramps in our legs while in a race? How many of us have been able to finish that race with the cramp and not give up? Even though we might be last, isn’t it the participation and finish that counts? We strive to be better than the others, sometimes forgetting to be true to ourselves. We loose ourselves in negativity, blaming our surroundings. Bold as it may seem, doesn’t negativity live inside you alone? And why do we always want to be the best? Does that really make us happy? Why aren’t we ever satisfied with what we have and more importantly, why aren’t most of us satisfied with who we are? No pride, no faith, no feeling of being special… why?! Aren’t we all special in our own way? Why do we want to be special in a way we think others will find us special? Isn’t us knowing enough?

How many times do we really stop and appreciate those tiny gifts that make it all worthwhile? A hug that lets you know they got your back, a kiss that lets you know they’ll love you till forever ends, a smile that wishes you a happy day, a soft ‘good morning’ that lets you know you’re not alone. And then I wonder how many times we’ve used the words ‘unfair’ or ‘bitch’ or other such words against life. I’ve been happy with life for the most part. Not saying that I’m one of those who realizes True Worth immediately but someone who has come to learn that yes, life may be a bitch at times, but she can be kind too… you just need to keep believing. She’s like a child, might disappoint you once, twice, thrice, maybe more… if you give up on her, she’ll break… shatter… strewn across the floor at your feet, helpless, stubborn and sulky. But if you do believe and say ‘It’s okay. You can have another chance at it. I know you can make it.’, well, it keeps her going and she tries harder just to gift it all back to you. Reminds me of Helen Keller and her teacher. Miracles happen, you just need to believe they do. She’s a child, your child, a gift from god, to make what you want with it. You can’t let her down. She needs you more than you think she does. You make her, not the other way around.

Special people that make you see life in a whole new way. As an adventure. Who would want an adventure to be perfect? Isn’t it in imperfection that we find appreciation? Isn’t it in imperfection that we find difference? If life wasn’t a child, she’d be a jigsaw puzzle, a group of people you surround yourself with. My pieces are not perfect but I’d hate them if they were ‘cause there never is a perfect square that fits in a puzzle without falling out. And my pieces make my puzzle a beautiful one, a happy one. They make me feel loved and cared for, needed. And reciprocating those feelings makes me happier. It’s not something I can help, which instead of making me feel helpless and dependent, makes me believe in the strength of the emotions even more. Who would want emotions weak enough to be ruled by the brain anyways?

A Love Poem for Nature

The smell of winter mist fills the forest,

The sky a pretty pinkish blue,

Birds chirp in a distance too far…

He holds her hand, stepping together.

Leaves crunch below their feet,

The stream, a cool mossy bed of rocks…

A tighter grip, gentle nonetheless,

She whispers into his heart ‘I love you’.

The naked trees look to the ground,

Not in shame, maybe begging patience…

The earth, moist under the blanket of leaves,

They breathe in, a tiny shiver, a snowflake.

It isn’t goodbye, but a sweet goodnight kiss.

It is never a goodbye… just a wait…

For the sun, to breathe, to live, to fly!

A kid, a paper plane, a dog, four smiles.

Cherokee Love

He is my clear-eyed ocean,

My smiling dream catcher.

Fire burns within his heart,

Gently freeing the ones he loves.

Mother Nature’s favorite Child,

An Eagle protecting Innocence.

Bringer of Light to the darkened Cavern,

Giver of Peace to the untamed Winds.

He is my Love, wild and free.

Dreamy-eyed Angel on earth,

Knowing little his worth.

Heart of honor, Soul of the Spirit,

He is every drop of Energy.

Answer to my wishes on shooting Stars,

My midnight blanket of Faith and Hope.

He is my smile, my blush,

The one that lifts me to Paradise.

He is my rain-dance thanking the Gods,

For the warmth he brings,

To the unforgotten thirsty Earth.

Mine he is, always will be,

Safe within unconditional Love,

His home, his home for eternity.

Hercules of my heart,

Painkiller of the highest kind.

The one I wake up to every morning,

Walk the world hand in hand.

Laugh at the Devil and his imps,

Knowing Love was above them all.

Naughtiness perfectly personified,

Gentle as the Tide a hundred feet under.

For SNM

Funny how I hang onto every word you say.

Maybe its 'coz we don’t talk that much now.

Maybe its 'coz I realize how much you mean to me.

My oldest memory of Santa Claus!

I remember how you smell, soft and warm.

Remember the way you smile and the way your eyes crinkle up.

I remember our convos in the dark every night we got to sleep together.

Remember you always encouraging me in every step I took in life.

I remember you loving the foot massages I’d occasionally give you.

Remember that familiar feeling of being home when you hug me or kiss me.

You listened to my side of the story too… always…

You explained life to a crazy little teen when she was away from home.

You just let me be me and never made me feel like I was letting you down.

You may not have children by blood, but you treat my mother like your own.

You never make me feel the absence of a grandma.

I hear your laughter ring in my ear every time I think of you.

I feel like a child in your arms.. safe and protected, yet free.

I might not have gotten to know Nani.. but you make up for it…

Thank you so much for the wonderful person that you are.

Thank you for being one of the sweetest things I remember as childhood.

I love you… very, very much…