She
left today. Its well past my bedtime and I'm lying on her mattress with
the lights still on. I've had to spend nights in this room without her
but never have they been any good and I know tonight's not gonna be any
different. And so, I write, waiting till my eyes give in to tears. I'd
always known the price of freedom would be high, I thought I was
prepared for it but it still chokes me up. She didn't cry when she
hugged me before getting in the car, neither did I. We made fun of it.
Because we knew if we started, it wouldn't stop, that sinking feeling of
goodbyes. In a way, I'm glad she left before me, I'd rather have her
looking forward than back. For me, here without her, its all about
looking back. My best friend. the one who has seen every side to me and
viceversa. The girl who would rather read my face than look down to see
if her toe is bleeding. My baby, she makes me proud. From the cranky
teenager to the fiery woman. She's not perfect but dang we get along so
perfectly. Six years is a long time, technically, but not long
enough. There's just some people time can't replace.
You know you
love a person when you don't mind being in shit just so you can be
together. No matter how much I plan for the future, we will still not
get to live together. I want to be able to live with her all the time,
atleast in the same city, or the same country. There's so much that can
happen in the future, so much that has happened in the past but the
present just feels very empty. I'm mad at her for leaving so soon. and
so jealous of everyone who gets to have her around.
After she left, I
was clearing out the stuff she left behind and I just couldn't throw
some of it away. Hell, I'm taking some if it with me even if it means
having to leave some of my stuff here. There's an insect buzzing around
near the light, confused piece of s***. I can't ask her to 'take care of
it'. I can't poke with my toe and annoy her while shes trying to sleep.
I can't have a random conversation in the dark, that's probably why I
need the lights tonight. This is the first, its supposed to get better.
When a seemingly emotionless person puts his arm around my shoulder and
says 'its OK, you can Skype with her everyday', all i feel like is a
child being torn apart in the most tragically beautiful way. Not many
understand goodbyes like these because not many experience friendship so
strong. I can't even listen to songs about friendship without tearing
up from the missing.
I have so much
to look forward to but all that starts a while away. Almost like fate
wants me to remember and cherish all the little things that brought us
close. No matter what happens, noone can take away what we shared, the
innocence of friendship, the bonds of sisterhood. Still, she's gone for
now and I miss her more than I have ever missed anybody. So much that it
hurts enough to bring the words out. There's gonna be so many times my
heart will cry and cry for her and if I'm lucky, she'll be there
somehow.
I'm gonna miss
you every minute till I see you again so please make sure I see you
soon. Its gonna be very hard to deal with drama without you around and
if anybody hurts you, I'm gonna fly 10 hours just to come rip them
apart. And then we can go have Pho. And then your mum can make Nem. I
love you very much and I know you love me too. So wipe your nose and
call me, Rudolf.
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